Is too much ‘together time’ upsetting you? We have all learnt the art of social distancing. Perhaps as time goes on, and we continue day after day to share space, often a small space, with another or others, we need to talk about relationship distancing.
Life as a senior couple in India is more about family and less about each other. As it has always revolved around socialising with extended family or children. It lacks intimate relationship in most cases. Because men always went to work and women took care of the house, the situation of being home alone with each for months never took place until the pandemic. So, we don’t know how to be around our partners because life was never like this before. However, it is essential to bring the changes as it is the need of the hour.
Self-isolation may be causing more than the obvious psychological challenges. We could be suffering from togetherness anxiety or it could just be a result of the pandemic staying-home.
While relationships are more than just intimate partners. In addition to partner distancing, husband distancing, wife distancing, some of us might need parent distancing, children distancing, flat mate distancing.
How do we create a space that includes space for you, space for me and space for us? Usually the demands of daily life do this for us.
There is no one answer to relationship management and distancing, as there is no one type of relationship. But here are some ideas that might have truth and use within most relationships. Perhaps the first of these is to make no assumptions.
How easy it is to assume that we know what someone else is experiencing when we are experiencing the same situation. This sometimes happens in a situation of loss grief.
As adults, you and your siblings might be grieving the loss of a parent. You might expect that you will all be on the same journey, but you are likely to find that there will be considerable differences in how you grieve, what you are grieving, the timing of the grief and what you need in that period. This is an example but also note that, for each and every person, there is significant loss and, therefore, some grief attached to this pandemic.
Try not to assume that you know what the others in your house are going through or need. How much time do you want to yourself and how much time does your other/s want? Does one of you handle anxiety by being with a loved one who is seen as a support and does one of you need more space when experiencing stress or anxiety? How do you navigate this?
- Communicate – Communication seems like an overused word, but it is often an underused action. It is the answer – if you want to avoid making assumptions. Do talk about your needs and ask your other about his or hers. Brainstorm the solutions.
- Find a common ground – No-one is right and no-one is wrong. There are ways that will work better for you, ways that will work better for your mate and ways that will mean you can meet in the middle.
- Take notice – Address the little irritations quickly. They have a way of building into big ones. Now that we are all home all the time, things may be getting out of hands – you or your partner may be leaving the cup behind, belongings lying around in the house, and such. Before the pandemic, such things may have been okay but now it may turn into irritable behavior. It is time for to talk and compromise.
- Negotiate individual spaces – Negotiating a space to have and a space to share is important, but perhaps more important is negotiating time to have and time to share.It might be a good idea, if you have adequate space, to identify a your space and a my Your space can look and be any way you want – no questions asked. But the shared space should be respected and maintained. Again, communication will resolve how you both want that shared space to look.
- Routine shared time – A routine will be a valuable tool in these days where external structures have largely been removed. We might be left floundering and procrastinating without the usual guardrails that guide us. Just like making decisions about space, the process involves communicating. Decide your own routines first then share them, and together see if you can work out a my time, a your time and a shared In this way, you are likely to find more enjoyment in the shared time.
- Share chores – The same process goes for managing roles. These may change a little or a lot while you are at home. Aim to have my list of chores, your list and a shared.
- For those who are home alone – This increased isolation may or may not be an added challenge. Even if you are secretly loving the time to yourself without outside demands, do make the effort to keep in touch with others.Connection with others is an important means of maintaining good mental health.
Covid-19 is bringing positives as well as negatives into our lives. But perhaps, to access those positives, we need to be thinking differently and actively managing our lives to ensure that we continue to enjoy each and every day!
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