Dr Aarthi Kannan writes, I want to share with you not just medical knowledge; but something I’ve gathered by listening to the quiet things our elders often don’t say out loud
As a geriatrician practising in Mumbai, I have the good fortune of walking alongside many older adults and their caregivers whether they are family members, paid attendants, neighbors, or even fellow healthcare professionals. I see the most incredible older patients in my geriatric clinic at P D Hinduja Hospital Mahim, in the hospital wards and ICU, and often, I help design home-based rehabilitation plans when they cannot easily travel.
I’m young but I’ve learned so much from our elders. I want to share with you not just medical knowledge; but something I’ve gathered by listening to the quiet things our elders often don’t say out loud.
So, here are ten things every senior citizen wishes their caregiver knew:
- Senior citizens may be older, but their dignity remains their priority.
Too often, I see older adults being spoken to like children – sometimes talked about, instead of being spoken to. Imagine being stripped of your independence and then having decisions made for you, not with you.
A 78-year-old retired bank official once told me in clinic, “My driver and daughter now discuss my medicines over my head. I’m still here, you know. They can talk to me.”
Include your elderly loved one in every conversation about their health and care. Don’t force choices on them. Include them. Respect their preferences, even if they need help making choices.
- Slow down. Elders need time.
Agieng slows down reaction times, memory recall, and processing speed. That doesn’t mean someone is not intelligent or alert. It just means they need a moment longer to process and respond.
Give them time to respond. Patience isn’t just a virtue, it is therapeutic.
- “My pain is real even if I don’t always talk about it.”
Many seniors underreport pain. They’ve been told it’s part of aging. Others fear becoming a “burden to their family.” I had a older patient who hid his knee pain for months until he fell in the bathroom. When asked why, he said, “There’s already so much going on. Why should I complain?”
Watch for signs of discomfort – grimacing, irritability when being asked to move more, avoiding movement, changes in appetite or sleep. And ask, gently but consistently. And directly ask – “Are you in pain?”
- Loneliness is as bad as high blood pressure.
Social isolation is a silent epidemic among the elderly. It leads to depression, cognitive decline, and even heart disease.
In Mumbai’s fast-paced life, many seniors sit alone for long hours while families are out. They end up having a closer bond with those who bring their newspaper delivery or the milkman.
Companionship matters. If you can’t be present with your parent, then schedule phone calls, involve them in household discussions, or hire help who interacts with your parent, not just assists.
- Don’t assume that older adults cannot learn new, or even complex things.
I once saw an 88-year-old particle physicist in my clinic. We didn’t just have a medical interaction, we had a lovely exchange on quantum mechanics, and he told me about the new articles he was reading on quantum entanglement.
‘Retirement’ may be for a job, but not for the brain. Encourage mental stimulation – crosswords, books, light tech use, music, or even helping grandchildren with schoolwork. It is healthy for their brain and their self-worth.
- Forgetfulness doesn’t mean they’re ‘gone’
Memory loss is not the same as losing one’s sense of self. Even in early dementia, an individual still has preferences, joys, and fears.
An older patient with dementia would often not recognise his children. But when they played his favourite Lata Mangeshkar songs, his eyes would light up.
Look for your loved one beneath the condition. Use music, familiar routines, and old photos to reconnect. Cherish the memories they still have.
- Help them stay active, but safely.
Bedrest is a silent killer. Seniors lose muscle mass faster and recover slower. Every day in bed increases the risk of falls, pneumonia, depression, and bed sores (pressure wounds).
In my hospital rounds, I insist that stable elders sit up, do breathing exercises, and even walk with support. Often my earliest referrals are to physiotherapy. When time permits, I walk with my patients during my rounds too. The change is magical.
With medical clearance, encourage and insist on gentle movement – stretching, walking, chair exercises. Movement is medicine.
- Their appetite is not always what it used to be – don’t force-feed older adults.
Appetite often declines with age due to slower digestion, reduced activity, or medications. But food still matters – for nutrition, joy, and routine.
I saw a patient once being fed high-calorie milkshakes and protein shakes every few hours because his family thought that would make him stronger and put on more weight. He ended up with bloating and indigestion.
Small, frequent, appealing meals work better. There is a difference between healthy and unhealthy weight. Exercise paired with nutrition is a healthy way to gradually put on weight. Respect older adults’ preferences, and consider supplements only under proper guidance.
- Don’t ignore emotional health.
Depression in elders is real but often mistaken for “just getting old.” Look for withdrawal, irritability, sleep changes, or expressions of hopelessness.
One 74-year-old told me, “Everyone thinks I’m fine because I don’t cry. But I feel like I don’t matter anymore.”
Encourage social interaction, listen without judging, and don’t hesitate to seek professional help. Geriatricians, psychiatrists or counselors can work wonders.
- They are still your parent, friend, teacher, neighbor. See them for who they were – and still are.”
Elderly people often feel like they’ve faded into the background. But they have lived rich lives, with legacy and wisdom. They were once engineers, mothers, artists, freedom fighters, teachers.
One of my most memorable patients a quiet woman in her 90s turned out to be a retired singer. “No one asks about that part of me anymore,” she said.
Ask about their life stories. Look at old photos together. These memories aren’t just nostalgia – they’re powerful reminders of identity.
In summary:
Being a caregiver is a journey filled with love, frustration, guilt, and immense responsibility. But it can also be deeply rewarding when guided by empathy and awareness.
If you’re caring for a senior, know this: your presence matters more than your perfection. Our elders don’t need ‘perfect’ care – They need humane care. Thoughtful care. Kind care.
I hope these ten points remind you about what the older adult in your life looks for. They’re not just as someone who needs help, but someone who has so much to offer, even now.
As George Bernard Shaw said: We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.
Dr Aarthi Kannan, is Consultant Geriatrician, Geriatric Clinic, P D Hinduja Hospital & MRC
