Page 14 - Seniorstoday March 2024 Issue

Matters became worse, there was constant had dinner at eight, and if one of them
fighting and abuse between the brothers.
The tension of breaking the fragile peace
drained the joy of living and left me
wondering how we got here, and more
important how we could find peace. I
stopped speaking simply because I was
afraid of saying something that would
upset both of them. We were living in
the constant state of tension and anxiety.
Both of us almost lost ourselves, all in the
name of keeping peace. My husband and
I was constantly checking on the kid’s
mood before speaking. Sometimes it was
better to keep quite rather than risk a
thunderstorm. I found myself saying sorry
and apologising for almost everything,
I felt small and unsure of my place as
mother in this relationship. I stopped
opining about anything simply to prevent
a World War III at home. Our dreams,
desires and our daily grievances took a
back seat and at every step we were first to
compromise even if it hurt us. But keeping
peace was top priority.
There were certain topics that were
NO NO. I drew up a list and started
categorising conversations that were
safe and unsafe. This avoidance strategy
kept things smooth on the surface but
underneath it stifled genuine connection
and left us detached. We never ate dinner
together. Generally, my husband and I
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was at home he would join us. Sometimes
even when both of them were at home,
Rajeev did not want to eat with Rahul.
His excuse was he was not hungry and
would eat later. We were living in a state
of perpetual tension, there was always
a sense of unease, even in moments that
should have been filled with joy. I became
very religious, fasted on occasions, made
food as prescribed by the holy books. One
day having said my prayers I encountered
Rajeev who said however much you pray
your impotent elder son will never become
a man.
My self-esteem hit rock bottom, I was
living in a toxic relationship with my
younger son, and it was a relief when they
left home. Their absence lifted a burden
off my shoulders giving me a momentary
break from the tension. I became a stranger
to myself. One day my brother came to
visit us and in the first hour sat down with
me and asked what was wrong. I changed
the topic and talked about our childhood
memories. But my brother knew something
was seriously wrong. Next day he came
home for lunch. My husband had gone
to the bank and Rajeev went with him. I
couldn’t help it. I burst into tears and cried.
It was such a relief to cry and bit by bit I
told him what was happening to us. He
was shocked and angry at our state and