Page 10 - Seniorstoday May 2024 Issue

that open talk and experimentation are
Communication is your lifeline in a
conjugal relationship
Most married people lack the basic
information about their spouses’ sexual
preferences. Our own informal survey of
70 wives found a myriad of 137 needs they
wanted to share with their husbands. But,
as one woman told us, “It is difficult to
know how to begin sharing it with him.”
As relationship counsellors it is our
continuous endeavour to make couples talk
to each other openly about everything that
matters to them. It is the first major lesson
we teach, even to those who come to us for
pre-marriage counselling. For everyone in
a conjugal relationship, and at every stage
of the relationship, communication is the
life-line.
If you too wish to revitalise your sexual
relationship, communication is critical.
It is not the quantity or quality of sexual
relations that makes or breaks a marriage,
but rather the degree of the ‘fit’ between
partners’ sexual needs and priorities. Such
mutuality comes only with communication.
Another essential ingredient is the
commitment of time and energy for such
communication, and then ‘doing’ what has
been shared with each other. Try to define
for yourself and your spouse what your
complaints and pleasures are. Many people
are uncomfortable and shy about making
specific requests, but we must emphasise
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vital. No one can automatically know what
pleases another, without communication.
Love does not make one a mind reader, but
instead, love means, trusting each other
enough, to ask openly and answer honestly.
Researchers William Masters and Virginia
Johnson say something very insightful in
this regard. They say, “Love and physical
desire wax and wane throughout a lifetime.
This need not only be accepted, but even
enjoyed, if partners communicate”.
Clear, caring, complete and continuous
communication
As a part of training in communication
we emphasise four essential qualities (four
‘C’s) that one needs to bear in mind.
Communication needs to be Clear, Caring,
Complete and Continuous.
Clear: Clear communication is the one
that conveys correct messages. Hints
and gestures should be complemented
with adequate ‘verbal’ expression of your
feelings.
Caring: You should communicate because
you care for yourself, the other and for the
relationship. Crass remarks, derisions,
taunts, abuses and sarcasm are uncaring
and toxic to any relationship. They do not
communicate, but end all possibilities of
communication and communion.
Complete: Incomplete communication
is as good as no communication, or a
miscommunication. It is only complete
communication that helps. Abandoning
the communication halfway due to
frustration, shyness or other reservations is
detrimental to a relationship.
Continuous: Communication should be a
regular (on-going) feature in relationships
and not occasional. A breakdown in
communication lines should preferably
never happen, but if it does happen, urgent