Q&A’s with our in-house psychologist, Dr Monika M Dass
- Everytime there is a festival, I get depressed as my children are abroad and they aren’t able to make it for Diwali as they don’t get holidays then. My health does not allow me to travel. I get into a shell every Diwali. What should I do?
It is completely understandable that you feel this way, and your feelings of sadness and loneliness are incredibly valid. Festivals like Diwali are deeply tied to family and togetherness, and when your children are far away, the empty space can feel magnified. It is hard not to retreat into a shell when the world outside seems to be celebrating.
You do not have to force yourself to feel ecstatic, but there are gentle ways to navigate this season so it feels less painful and isolating for you.
Redefine Connection
Since your health keeps you from traveling, let technology bridge the gap in a structured way so you have something concrete to look forward to.
- Schedule a ‘Digital Diwali’: Don’t just rely on a quick phone call. Plan a specific time to sit down with a laptop or phone for a video call.
- Share a virtual ritual: You can light your diyas or do a small puja together on camera.
- Have a synchronized meal: If time zones allow, you could both eat a favourite sweet or meal at the same time while chatting.
Shift the Focus of the Day
When you stay inside without a plan, your mind naturally focuses on who is missing. Changing your routine slightly can help break the cycle of depression.
- Create a low-energy ritual: If decorating the whole house feels exhausting or triggering, pick just one small corner. Light two diyas and place a single flower garland there just for yourself.
- Cook or order one favorite item: Do not worry about preparing a massive feast. Focus on one specific comfort food or sweet that brings you comfort.
- Treat it as a day of self-care: If celebrating feels too heavy, reframe the day as a formal “rest and pamper” day. Watch your favorite nostalgic movies, listen to music you love, or read a good book.
Lean into Community
You might feel like you are bothering people, but reaching out can be a powerful antidote to loneliness.
- Connect with local neighbors or friends: If you have neighbors or relatives nearby, let them know you are home. Often, people are more than happy to stop by with sweets or invite you over for an hour.
- Find others in the same boat: Many parents have children living abroad. Connecting with a friend who is experiencing the exact same thing can provide immense mutual comfort.
Change Your Internal Narrative
Remind yourself that your children’s absence during Diwali is a matter of logistical timing (work and school schedules), not a reflection of their love for you. They likely miss you deeply during the festival too.
Be incredibly gentle with yourself. If you need to cry, let yourself cry. But try not to let the sadness lock you in a dark room all day. Open the windows, let the daylight in, and take things one hour at a time.
- Over the years, I have become dependent on my domestic help, but I find that some utensils – especially spoons and ladles – are vanishing. The help is important to me and I can’t afford to lose them. How do I handle this situation as I am very stressed about it?
It is completely understandable to feel stressed. It is deeply uncomfortable to feel like things are disappearing in your own home, especially when you are trying to balance that worry with your genuine need and appreciation for your domestic help.
The good news is that missing spoons, ladles and the like are very often due to accidental habits rather than intentional theft. Spoons frequently get accidentally tossed into the trash with leftover food, left in hidden containers, or misplaced during deep cleaning.
Here is a step-by-step, stress-free strategy to handle this gracefully without confronting anyone or risking your relationship with your help:
Change the Environment (The way forward: ‘No Point in Blaming’)
Instead of focusing on who is responsible, change the system so that missing items are caught automatically.
- Introduce a ‘Scraping Station’: Set up a specific, large plastic tub where all dirty dishes must go before washing. Ask your help to scrape plates into the trash first and place all cutlery directly into this separate tub. This stops spoons from accidentally sliding into the garbage bin.
- Work on a ‘Deep Clear-Out’: Dedicate some time into looking through old Tupperware, the backs of high shelves, or even the garden/balcony pots (if you have plants). You might find a stash of missing utensils that were used for non-cooking tasks and forgotten.
Use a Clever, Low-Stress Script
If you want to address the missing items directly, frame it as a shared household mystery rather than an accusation. This removes all defensiveness.
- What to say… translate into Hindi, Marathi or whatever language you speak in to your staff: “I’ve noticed our spoon and ladle counts are getting really low lately. I think they might be accidentally slipping into the trash or getting misplaced when we clean. Could you help me keep an extra close eye on the cutlery this week when clearing the tables and emptying the bins?”
- Why this works: It uses the word ‘we’ treats it as an accident, and explicitly asks for their help to solve a problem, which makes them feel trusted rather than accused.
Shift Your Mindset (Protect Your Peace at any cost)
If your domestic help is reliable, trustworthy with larger things, and essential to your daily well-being, try to reframe the cost of a few missing spoons.
- The ‘Cost of Business’ approach: Consider a few lost spoons a minor, accidental tax on having good help.
- Buy inexpensive backups: Buy a pack of budget-friendly, identical everyday spoons. Keep your expensive or sentimental cutlery sets stored away for special occasions so you don’t have to stress about them.
I realise I am addicted to reels on various social media platforms. I see nothing wrong in it because I find some of my friends crazy about movies or web-series. Tell me, is this an addiction that I should get rid of?
Yes, a compulsive habit of scrolling through reels is a behavioral addiction driven by dopamine loops that you should actively work to manage or reduce, even if it feels harmless compared to other pastimes.
Why Reels Addiction Is Different from Loving Movies
- Designed for Compulsion: Short-form video algorithms use variable reward schedules and infinite scrolling to trigger continuous dopamine releases, mimicking the mechanics of slot machines.
- Attention Span Impact: Unlike a two-hour movie or structured web series which requires sustained focus, endless micro-content trains your brain for rapid context-switching, often shrinking your attention span.
- Passive vs. Active Time: Binging a show can be a shared social activity or intentional leisure, whereas endless reel scrolling usually fills moments of boredom automatically, often displacing sleep, work, or real-life connections without providing true relaxation.
Signs It is Time to Cut Back
- You lose track of time or stay up late because of ‘just one more video’.
- You feel restless, irritable, or anxious when your phone is out of reach.
- Your daily responsibilities, work performance, or sleep quality begin to suffer.
Practical Steps to Take Control
- Turn off Notifications: Remove the visual and auditory cues that pull you back into the apps.
- Set Hard Limits: Use built-in phone settings or app timers to lock yourself out after a specific number of minutes per day.
- Create Phone-Free Zones: Keep your phone out of the bedroom at night and off the table during meals.
- Expect Substitution: Many users note a consensus that simply deleting one app often leads to mindlessly opening another, so you must consciously replace the idle time with a physical or offline hobby.
- Families often become frustrated when an older parent refuses assistance, even when it is clearly needed. Is this simply stubbornness, or does it reflect deeper psychological needs such as autonomy, dignity or fear of losing control? How should we (loved ones) approach these conversations?
Older parents refusing help is rarely just stubbornness. It is usually a protective response to deep fears about losing autonomy, dignity, and control over their lives. Admitting they need help feels like a major step toward dependency and the end of their independence.
Why Parents Refuse Help
- Need for Autonomy: Doing things themselves proves they are still capable adults.
- Preserving Dignity: Accepting help can feel shameful or embarrassing in front of children.
- Fear of Decline: Acknowledging help is needed makes aging and mortality feel real.
- Loss of Control: Decisions are often forced on them rather than made with them.
How to Approach the Conversation
- Focus on Collaboration: Ask for their input instead of telling them what to do.
- Emphasize Values, Not Tasks: Frame help around what matters to them, like staying safe to keep living at home.
- Start Small: Introduce minor aids first rather than a total lifestyle change.
- Listen Actively: Validate their feelings without arguing or trying to fix everything right away.
- Involve a Third Party: Sometimes a doctor or trusted friend can suggest help with less emotional resistance.
If you could give every person entering their sixties one piece of psychological advice that would improve their emotional health over the next twenty years, what would it be, and why?
Embrace radical acceptance of change by letting go of how things “should” be and focusing on what you can control. This mindset reduces needless emotional pain, protects your peace during major life transitions, and helps you find deep joy in the present moment.
Why This Matters
- Reduces Resistance: Fighting reality creates stress. Accepting it saves your energy for things you can change.
- Supports Transitions: Your body, roles, and relationships will shift. Acceptance helps you adapt with grace.
- Increases Gratitude: When you stop chasing the past, you notice the good things happening right now.
How to Practice It Daily
- Notice Judgments: Catch yourself saying life should be different. Pause and accept the current fact.
- Focus Inward: Let go of trying to fix other people or old outcomes. Focus only on your own next right step.
- Grieve and Release: Allow sadness for losses, but do not let it trap you. Feel it, then let it go.
To finish with a quote from Mary Tyler Moore, “Take chances, Make Mistakes… That’s How You Grow! Pain Nourishes Your Courage. You Have to Fail in Order to Practice Being Brave”.
If you have any questions for Dr Monica M Dass, please email them to editor@seniorstoday.in