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viewpoints. Sometimes my husband would was the confusion and shock. He was so
subtly attempt to coerce me that his way is nice. He was so loving. What happened?
the best way. What did I do to bring this on?
We sent our daughter to a boarding My grown up daughter was a great
school. I thought it would make her support and my husband resented her
independent and keep her out of our butting into every conversation.
constant rattle. I was confused about whether or not I
There was a constant tug of war and I had was married to an overbearing man who
to change my opinions and beliefs to match wanted to control me. Perhaps I have
his. He would find a way to get nasty if I wondered if this behavior is a normal
ignored or dismissed his opinions. part of relationship dynamics. Did it
It seemed to me that I had lost a lot of my always happen that one of the two spouses
autonomy? becomes a controlling freak? And is it
I had to hold back saying what I thought always the man?
for the fear of making him angry. I had We all exhibit controlling behavior from
to analyse everything I did because I was time to time, but it’s important to know the
unsure of myself. He treated me more like a signs of a controlling husband. There is no
child or a subordinate than a true partner? stereotype of a bully.
I began to believe that I had lost my Their needs, desires and decisions always
identity and a sense of self. override yours and if you try to argue
Twenty years into our marriage, our sex or press your case, you’ll get an ear full.
life had waned, my daughter came back They will bully you, pout, try to make
from boarding school and saw what was you feel guilty, or refuse to acknowledge
happening and concluded that my husband your request. They will make your life so
was a control freak. miserable that you simply give in.
Control freaks aren’t always the beefed- Over time, I learned to just go along,
up tough guys you see in the movies who which, unfortunately, led my controlling
yell and scream to get their way. They can husband to tighten the reins.
be soft-spoken as my husband was as well I was criticised constantly. He didn’t like
as well-educated and amiable extroverts. what I was wearing or how I spoke. He
What control freaks have in common is made “jokes” at my expense. He always
the need for control and the compulsion found an error or flaw in my success.
to exert that control in their intimate Typically if I had made a good dessert,
relationships. They have learned to fool it would be either too sweet or not sweet
even the smartest, most capable woman, enough and some fault was found with
only to reveal their true nature once the the rest of my cooking. I rarely felt good
woman is made wife. Post our marriage the enough around him because there was
change came slowly, like a low-grade fever always something to correct, something I
and turned into a full-blown virus and it could do better. And if I reacted he would
happened with such sudden intensity that say “Why do you have to make such a
I became a little puppy doing everything he big deal about it? I’m only trying to help
said. you.” Over time, I felt unloved and always
The most difficult part, in the beginning, lacking.
SENIORS TODAY | ISSUE #45 | MARCH 2023 15
