Sex can provoke excitement, passion, love, intimacy and ecstasy as well as anxiety, guilt, depression, anger and agony. The way we view sex, largely depends on our culture and upbringing, the source of our sex education (if any), exposure to peers (healthy or unhealthy), our experiences, and also our age.
WHAT IS SEXUALITY?
Sexuality is a powerful dimension of the personality. It implies intelligent thinking, sensitive feeling and behavioural reactions associated with maleness or femaleness of an individual. Sex is not a grimy secret between two ashamed individuals, but a divine impulse of life and love.
Here we touch upon a few topics that seniors could benefit from:
THE PROS AND CONS OF SEXUAL FANTASIES
Sexual fantasies occur in an astonishingly wide variety of circumstances and settings. Sometimes these imaginative interludes are intentionally called forth to enliven a boring experience, to pass time, or to provide a sense of excitement. At other times, sexual fantasies float into awareness in a seemingly random fashion, perhaps triggered by feelings and thoughts of which we have little or no awareness. Fantasising allows individuals to escape from the frustrations and limits of everyday living. A phenomenon that is found extremely prevalent with fantasising is that the person returns to a particular preferred fantasy again and again, and gets comfortable with or even addicted to it. Occasionally, minor variations may be played out in such a preferred fantasy, but by and large the central theme remains fixed.
There are situations in which preferential fantasies may become troublesome.
For some people, the repeated and exclusive use of such a fantasy may lead to a situation in which the fantasy becomes mandatory for sexual arousal. The person no longer responds sexually to one’s partner since sexual arousal depends on fantasy alone. Sometimes, preferential fantasies can become obsessions that may interfere with behaviour or the thinking-feeling process. Not all sexual fantasies are willfully conjured up or pleasurable. Some fantasies recur over and over again despite being unwanted; other fantasies flood into the individual’s awareness in a frightening fashion, producing inner turmoil or conflict and feelings of guilt and shame. Fantasies of this sort may either result in sexual arousal or may be so distressing that sexual feelings may shut off.
Some popular magazines and even books written by sexologists suggest that if you are not turned on by your partner, you should fantasise about someone else while having sex. We personally believe that this suggestion is not always helpful. These things may work to improve one’s sex life on a temporary and superficial level. But beware of the great danger in superficial sexual remedies. As one becomes more and more dependent on outside stimulation, one decreases his/her natural ability to feel turned on by one’s partner. You may feel turned on while being with your partner but not by her or him. Two individuals who are turned on by themselves, but not by the other person, are two individuals who are having sex, but not making love.
APHRODISIACS – Discussing the most popular sexual myth
The biggest and most popular myth that has survived down the ages is about ‘aphrodisiacs’. Centuries ago, people believed that aphrodisiacs had magical powers to open up the gates of divine sexual pleasures and fantasies. That belief exists even today. Almost in every corner of the world people still use aphrodisiacs to rev up their sex lives. It could be something as ordinary as banana or vanilla or as absurd as zebra tongue or tiger penis. All kinds of common and peculiar foods, beverages, drugs, magical potions, and chemical concoctions have been tried as aphrodisiacs to enhance sexual pleasure, energy and drive.
Named after ‘Aphrodite’, the Greek goddess of love, beauty and fertility, ‘Aphrodisiacs’ are those substances that supposedly induce or boost sexual desire in a person. Several herbs, chemicals, plants, drugs, foodstuffs, and other substances are claimed to have positive effects on the human sexual function. However, there is no scientific evidence to back this up. Also, many so-called aphrodisiacs can be potentially toxic and thus be harmful. It is absolutely not advisable to try anything without scrupulously researching it first, although it may be difficult to find authentic and accurate information because of a lack of scientific evidence on the efficacy and safety of certain substances in human beings.
Non-prescription drugs, vitamins, plants, herbs and supplements that claim to enhance sexual function or alleviate erectile problems are mostly found to be ineffective. Some of the popular foods that people have consumed as aphrodisiacs are oysters, bananas, asparagus, carrots, avocados, etc. People have traditionally endowed them with aphrodisiacal properties probably because of their resemblance to sexual organs. Garlic is another widely accepted stimulant. So are nutmeg and almond. According to stories, application of almond paste awakens passion in a female, just as the scent and flavour of vanilla is said to increase lust.
Chocolate is universally appreciated as an aphrodisiac. The two chemicals present in chocolate which are being closely studied are serotonin and phenylethylamine. They are believed to create feelings of ecstasy and unbridled bliss.
Plenty of references have been made to aphrodisiacs in ancient literature and history. In 19th century France, bridegrooms were served three courses of asparagus at their prenuptial dinner. The Aztecs referred to the avocado tree as the “testicle tree” and in Spain, Catholic priests forbade its consumption. Cleopatra, known for her beauty and amorous exploits, is believed to have used aphrodisiacs like cardamom, figs, aromatherapy and pearls to enhance her sexual prowess. Most of the aphrodisiac claims are based predominantly on cultural myths than fact. Their fascination continues to this day, as people still experiment with them to boost their sex lives. Most of the existing evidence is very subjective and anecdotal.
In India, musk has long been held as a stimulating agent. In Ayurveda, shilajit, the sap of minerals derived from the asphalt rock formations in the Himalayas is claimed to work like an aphrodisiac. Milk with a hint of saffron is given even today on the wedding night to supposedly set the libido on fire.
There are other more prized and deadly aphrodisiacs. For instance, APHRODISIACS 197 the rhinoceros horns that bears a phallic symbol, is used in many cultures to perk up sexual performance. Zebra tongue and tiger penis is believed to boost your machismo.
The most famous and potent aphrodisiac of all is considered to be the Spanish Fly, a powder made of ground-up beetle. When consumed, the Spanish Fly is supposed to create an inimitable state of euphoria. This beetle is found in some parts of Europe. Spanish Fly makes the blood vessels around a woman’s genitals dilate and throb, giving her the false sensation of sexual arousal. If a woman takes it internally, it causes inflammation and irritation of the urinary tract, which could result in permanent damage to her urinary system. Luckily, it is not available in India. What is available in the name of Spanish fly is a fake remedy.
IMPORTANCE OF COMMUNICATION IN INTIMACY
Communication on sexual issues is one of the most difficult challenges faced by many couples. If we avoid discussing sexual issues openly with each other, we will never learn how to communicate in this matter, and not communicating in this area could be detrimental to the health of the relationship. It does not even occur to us to develop communication skills about sexual relating although it is not only extremely important, but also extremely essential for the relationship. Discomfort and embarrassment is a learned attitude about the subject of ‘sex’. Couples often engage in the sexual act, presuming and believing that they know what their spouse wants or likes based either on some random reading or pornographic viewing. This invariably results in an awkward, dissatisfying, hasty and clumsy sexual act.
Couples need to sincerely ask questions such as “Are you comfortable?”, “What would you like me to do?”, “Does this feel pleasurable?”, “What can I do to make it better for you?”, “Is there anything in particular that you enjoy more or something you do not enjoy.
Teaching couples to freely and frankly talk about sex
If you are uneasy and uncomfortable asking such questions clearly, then probably you are not at a point in the relationship where you should explore sex at all. You can ask your spouse to signal to you, by squeezing your arm or any other non-verbal cue, to suggest if s/he wants anything in particular.
A note for men: Refrain from presuming and pretending to know what a woman likes and wants, as she will figure out in no time that you actually do not know what pleasures her. To begin with, young women may not know what exactly they want during the early days of their sex life; however, soon they figure out what they really want and what they absolutely do not enjoy. They may participate in these activities mechanically thinking they ’should‘ be enjoying what their spouse is doing. Men think that they are expected to know what to do, and women too expect them to know it all. However, the truth is that neither of them knows it all and communication is the only master key to explore sexual pleasure together.
David Reuben, author of ‘How to Get the Most out of Sex’ writes: “If sex is right, then everything is right. If sex is wrong then nothing else can be right”. Many people think about their sex life and some even talk about it, but find themselves completely at a loss when it comes to ‘doing’ something constructive about making it mutually satisfying. “How can my husband and I love each other so much, yet have such a dull and unexciting sex life?” asked a friend who is herself a clinical psychologist. Had she discussed the problem with her husband, a gynaecologist, to whom she has been married for over 11 years? “I seem to be able to talk to him about everything but our sex life,” she said at last. “I don’t know how to tell him what I need without seeming to criticise.” Women from all walks of life, of all educational levels, and with varying sexual experiences, voice similar sentiments.
Communication is your lifeline in a conjugal relationship
Most married people lack the basic information about their spouses’ sexual preferences. Our own informal survey of 70 wives found a myriad of 137 needs they wanted to share with their husbands. But, as one woman told us, “It is difficult to know how to begin sharing it with him.”
As relationship counsellors it is our continuous endeavour to make couples talk to each other openly about everything that matters to them. It is the first major lesson we teach, even to those who come to us for pre-marriage counselling. For everyone in a conjugal relationship, and at every stage of the relationship, communication is the life-line.
If you too wish to revitalise your sexual relationship, communication is critical. It is not the quantity or quality of sexual relations that makes or breaks a marriage, but rather the degree of the ‘fit’ between partners’ sexual needs and priorities. Such mutuality comes only with communication.
Another essential ingredient is the commitment of time and energy for such communication, and then ‘doing’ what has been shared with each other. Try to define for yourself and your spouse what your complaints and pleasures are. Many people are uncomfortable and shy about making specific requests, but we must emphasise that open talk and experimentation are vital. No one can automatically know what pleases another, without communication. Love does not make one a mind reader, but instead, love means, trusting each other enough, to ask openly and answer honestly. Researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson say something very insightful in this regard. They say, “Love and physical desire wax and wane throughout a lifetime. This need not only be accepted, but even enjoyed, if partners communicate”.
Clear, caring, complete and continuous communication
As a part of training in communication we emphasise four essential qualities (four ‘C’s) that one needs to bear in mind.
Communication needs to be Clear, Caring, Complete and Continuous.
Clear: Clear communication is the one that conveys correct messages. Hints and gestures should be complemented with adequate ‘verbal’ expression of your feelings.
Caring: You should communicate because you care for yourself, the other and for the relationship. Crass remarks, derisions, taunts, abuses and sarcasm are uncaring and toxic to any relationship. They do not communicate, but end all possibilities of communication and communion.
Complete: Incomplete communication is as good as no communication, or a miscommunication. It is only complete communication that helps. Abandoning the communication halfway due to frustration, shyness or other reservations is detrimental to a relationship.
Continuous: Communication should be a regular (on-going) feature in relationships and not occasional. A breakdown in communication lines should preferably never happen, but if it does happen, urgent efforts need to be made to re-establish communication lines as soon as possible.
SENIOR SEX IS QUALITATIVE
Women are invariably through with menopause in this period of life, and since their oestrogen levels have fallen, they experience symptoms such as vaginal dryness, therefore taking much longer to be aroused, with a resultant difficulty in climaxing. Of course, artificial lubricants can be used to easily counter this problem. Post-menopausal abdominal weight gain is common, and the skin shows signs of ageing. This could affect the esteem of those women who are focused on the ‘outer beauty’ and thus affect their sexual life too. The ‘empty nest’ syndrome, with children having grown up and moved out or married with families of their own, could leave the woman feeling a sense of loss with a resultant depression, if her life has mainly revolved around child-rearing. This is when she needs gentle, loving companionship with her spouse, and the reassurance that she is attractive to him as a person and loved dearly, and he wants nothing more than to grow old with her just the way she is. Such a reassurance could keep the passion alive, and sexual encounters, though infrequent, could have the new found flavour of a relaxed intimate touching which may or may not end up in intercourse.
Men at this age may have problems with their prostrate glands and other age-related wear and tear of the body parts that affect his sexual life. They also find it difficult to maintain their erection long enough to complete the sexual act. However, this can now easily be countered with the use of modern medications.
The reduction of testosterone during this period does reduce the sexual desire in men and women, but the ‘hot passion’ is replaced with a ‘warm companionship’, if the relationship has evolved and has been more ‘holistic’ from the beginning. Again, it cannot be stressed enough that both men and women should strive as much as humanly possible to maintain a lifestyle of appropriate exercise, healthy diet, and emotional well-being, so that they can not only enjoy a longer and more healthy life generally, but can enjoy physical intimacy, though qualitatively different, for a longer period in their relationship.
Ways to better your sex life as a senior:
- Base your relationship on more than each other’s body, and let sex be more than biology i.e. a sharing and culmination of emotional intimacy.
- Access scientific and value-based sex education to help address all your concerns related to sexual relating as well as to remove misconceptions, if any, before engaging sexually. Refrain from pornography or taking advice from peers who dole out misinformation.
- Recognise the ‘love language’ of the other and make small ‘special’ gestures to show you care.
- Remain physically and emotionally fit, with a regular ‘fitness regime’, because the lifestyle that keeps you generally healthy, is the same lifestyle that keeps you sexually healthy.
- Consciously plan ‘togetherness time’ e.g. weekend getaways or dates.
- Whisper or SMS ‘sweet nothings’ to each other.
- Dress to feel ‘sensual’ and attractive to yourself and your partner.
- Celebrate ‘special’ moments, plan holidays together, and see family albums to reminisce on joyful times.
- Be supportive during challenging times at home or at work.
- ‘Touch’ each other non-sexually in passing, to keep the ‘intimate’ connect.
- Engage in mutually pleasurable ‘foreplay’ in the form of non-verbal suggestions and physical touching till both are ready to go ahead.
- Communicate ‘freely and frankly’ about your likes and dislikes so that intimacy is mutually pleasurable.
- Strictly avoid visual stimuli in the form of pornographic viewing, so that reality is not contaminated by fantasy.
- Both should freely and uninhibitedly initiate intimacy and gradually involve the other through gentle foreplay. Note: Sex should never be forced on the other.
DE-STIGMATISING SEX THERAPY – Discussing when to consult a sex therapist
Whenever we suffer an asthmatic attack or a lung infection we immediately go to a chest physician and promptly get ourselves treated. If our digestive system gets dysfunctional, we do not hesitate to go to a gastroenterologist. For a skin problem, dermatologists are consulted promptly. Any chest pain and we rush for an electrocardiogram to a heart specialist.
But whenever a man suffers from a sexual problem such as erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation, where neither can he enjoy sex himself nor can he satisfy his wife, he either deliberately avoids going to a sex therapist, or then he is totally ignorant about the existence of a specialist who is trained in treating sexual problems. If a woman suffers pain during intercourse or finds herself unable to reach an orgasm, she at the most, may visit her gynaecologist but would never even think of consulting a ‘sex therapist’.
WHY IS IT SO? Why do we hesitate to consult a ‘sex therapist’?
According to us, it’s because of three main causes. We have been taught to look down upon sex and sexual desire as something dirty, shameful, vulgar and condemnable for generations. A person feels guilty if he has a normal sexual urge. Those who consciously suppress their sexual desire and refrain from sex are respected and glorified in society. A man feels guilty if he gets sexually aroused looking at a beautiful young woman. He feels like a sinner whenever he masturbates or gets a wet-dream. A woman too, condemns herself if she experiences normal sexual urges. It often happens that the husband either looks down upon his wife for her expression of a sexual urge or even starts suspecting her fidelity if she shows active interest in sexual gratification. This age-old condemnatory attitude towards sex and sexual desire comes in the way of consulting a sex therapist whenever one has a query or difficulty regarding his/her sexual desire, sexual capability or sexual satisfaction.
Another reason why people avoid consulting a sex therapist is that there are a number of ‘quacks’, who pose as sex specialists through advertisements. Many times, these people are unqualified and untrained. They do not even have a proper medical degree. They display either false degrees or unknown degrees. They deliberately propagate myths such as ‘masturbation is harmful’ or ‘wet-dreams is a disease’. Due to lack of proper sex education in schools, colleges or for that matter anywhere in society, a common man falls prey to such fraudulent advertisements and lands up getting cheated by these quacks.
We would like to enlighten readers that ‘qualified’ medical practitioners are not allowed legally to publish or display any kind of advertisement. This simply proves that ALL those who give advertisements of their so-called sex clinics are frauds and cheats.
FULFILLING SEX – Your gift for a lifetime
Can sex survive, let alone flourish, in a long-term relationship? We are pleased to report that the answer is a definite YES. For no matter how long two people have been together, they can still get better and better at connecting with each other, sharing intimacy, making plans, talking about feelings and fantasies and learning how to play and touch. Couples who never stop using their own intelligence, sense of humour and imagination to refresh their physical and emotional relationship, can have an enriching and meaningful sex life for a long, long time.
