Dos and Don’ts of what to out on a resume from Minoo Shah
Want to go back to work? Toss your traditional resume out the window and if it hits that cocky mid-lifer who possibly is your henpecked Ullu, all the more better! Make a self-styled resume that speaks to your worth. I am now going to proceed step by step and walk you through a sureshot missile to land a job or at the least return home guffawing, because you verbally whacked the middle management asinine interviewer. Here than are the Dos and Don’ts of what to out on a resume:
|Add your numerous educational accomplishments – they are as outdated as the plaid shirt you refuse to part with||Instead add your life experiences that include how you wrote proposals at your last job of 25 years for your department head took credit|
|Whatever you do – DO NOT add a timeline of your work experience – it dates you, and even the black dye that you so generously slap on every two weeks, the trickles of which smear your forehead a la Axelrod, will not earn you age grace||Instead tell them how your abilities included identifying the very many spies that the boss’s wife had bribed within your office.|
|Add any awards you may have received – remember your new age millennial boss has neither striven for nor unwittingly been given one!||Instead write about the numerous times you helped the corporation by adding probiotics to the sales tax auditors’ chai as they furtively checked the cooked books|
|Talk about proficiencies that include teamwork – here again – your interviewer is probably an only child who was never taught ‘Sharing is Caring’||Instead let him know you are a loyalist and your life’s ambition is to be someone else’s backbone|
|Finally, never, never, never mention how good a cook your wife is, because ‘take out’ is the closest the poor slob comes to homemade cuisine||Instead let him know with a sympathetic smile and a guardianly bonhomie, how your dabba always has extra food that you share|
In the event your interviewer is a woman, scratch all of the above, nod your bowed head in silence, sit at the edge of your chair with folded hands and whatever you do – DO NOT show any empathy for other men with your body language.
This methodology is being discussed at some of the best colleges and statistics have proven a 95% success rate. Take it from someone who landed a six-figure job at age 60, with zero skills for the positions but a demeanour of ‘Yes Manship’ that are awaiting an author to pen down for the historical archives.
It’s all about how you play the system instead of letting the system play you, kapiche? Good luck and send your comments and laddoos to the eminent editor of this magazine when you do land the job. However, if they have you escorted out, collar in hand by the chowkidars, then accept the inevitable and resign yourself to a life of looking out the window, laugh groups in the park, and be grateful that boredom is your only grievance in the dusk of what used to be your prime.