A home away from home

My first exposure to an old age home was 17 years ago when my mother-in-law was admitted to a modest home run by a distant relative located in a busy residential colony in the suburbs of Chennai. Though it had no facilities like what you get in the modern-day gated communities of senior citizens, it was close to a popular temple and other facilities required by senior citizens and provided home-cooked meals. My mother-in-law, a highly independent woman who died at the ripe age of 89, spent the last years of her life in senior citizen homes as per a decision taken by her son living in the US.

I would bring her home for a week every month in the early years so that she could spend some time with my family. This was my way of telling her that we do care for her. One day, while returning to her old age home, she apparently told my driver: “I don’t know why my son-in-law brings me home every month.  I am very happy in the old age home with a lot of new friends to talk to. I also visit the temple every day with my friends and attend other programs organised at the temple. I am free to do what I like. At my daughter`s home, I spend the whole day only watching TV or listen to music. Everybody is so busy…” 

The second home where she lived was a better home sponsored by a Rotary Club attached to a popular hospital in the heart of the city with an independent room. I met a few others from this home, many of whom had sold their properties or rented out their homes to settle down in the well-run Senior Citizen Home. Here, they not only made new friends but also indulged in hobbies for which they had no time earlier. All of them agreed it was a comfortable life without the day-to-day responsibilities and problems faced when living alone. 

Has anything changed with Senior Citizen Homes over the years? Obviously a lot. The modern-day homes located in gated communities have all basic facilities that senior citizens need and much more for those who can afford the price. 

During my recent visit to Coimbatore, I visited a few friends staying in popular Senior Citizens Home to get feedback on their experiences in the gated communities where they were staying.

The first was a retired bureaucrat, aged 93 years, who was a public sector honcho in his time and a recipient of the Padma Shri from the government. He was staying alone in a villa set among picturesque surroundings. Though he had booked the villa a decade earlier and used to visit the home with his wife for brief stays, he decided to shift to the home permanently after his wife passed away a couple of years ago-much against the wishes of his two children.

His response in his own words, “I am very happy here. Whenever I go to stay with my daughter in Chennai, I find that I miss the company of friends I have made in this facility. Besides, this place is beautiful, the service is excellent and the weather also is pleasant for 10 months in a year. I am happy with the food they serve and enjoy the regular interactions I have with other residents during my morning walks and in the evenings. In case of medical emergencies, the management is ready with help. I don`t feel lonely at all here”

The next visit was to another facility, which has both villas and flats. I met the wife of a friend, in her early seventies, who had moved into a villa just six months ago. A woman full of energy and cheer, she was living alone in her own independent home for over a decade after her husband passed away. Both her children live abroad. After surviving a cancer attack, she found it difficult to manage the independent home by herself and hence decided to shift to the new community.

The enthusiasm with which she received me and showed me around her new abode reflected her happiness. “You know within a few days of moving here I became friendly with my neighbours, an old couple in their late eighties. They have adopted me as their own daughter, and I enjoy offering them any help they need. Besides my relations and friends keep visiting me regularly. I am thoroughly enjoying my stay here.”

As we stepped out to see the surroundings, we bumped into not only the old couple but also a few other residents who were on their evening stroll. It was clear my friend`s wife was already a popular lady in the facility. Proving my age-old theory that `You extend your friendly hand first and people reciprocate spontaneously with love and affection`. 

The following day, I met two sisters, both spinsters in their seventies, who were living in an independent house before moving into a flat in one of the phases of a complex for seniors. They had also moved into their flat just a few months earlier.  This facility has no villas and only flats in seven blocks of several flats with a central courtyard. There was hardly any greenery around.

Their spontaneous response even before I asked them about their experience: “We are so happy here that we don`t have to worry about the day-to-day problems we used to face running an independent home. It used to be physically exhausting. Besides we feel more secure here.”

They are also happy with the interesting activities that take place in the facility to keep the residents engaged and the regular weekly health checkups they get. They had no complaints about the food. They had a small pantry where they could cook simple meals on certain auspicious days when they didn`t want to visit the common canteen.

My two-day stay at a brand new facility started just a few months ago, where I was a guest of a schoolmate of mine, was memorable. Though he owns a flat in New Delhi in the apartment complex where his daughter lives, my friend chose this facility so that his wife could indulge herself in her favourite hobby of gardening without the responsibility of running a home. Since it was a new facility, there were not many occupants and many of the promised activities were yet to start. The stay, however, gave me an idea of what it feels to be a resident of a senior citizen facility. The experience was positive.

In my talks with several residents of Senior Citizen Homes in many other cities over the years I have found some of them preferred to move into a Senior Citizen Home, though their children were living in the same city, because they did not want to burden their children looking after them on a day-to-day basis. With the joint family system breaking down and nuclear families being the norm these days, old people find themselves to be of nuisance value to their children. There are also cases of old people who don’t have the energy or mindset to look after their grandchildren with office going parents. Obviously, the old values are changing where people, both young and old, are becoming more self-centered.

Though some children do not want their parents to live in a Senior Citizen`s Home because of the social stigma attached to it, many old people who can afford convince their children and move out to lead an independent life. They are content if their children are in touch with them regularly on the phone or visit them in their homes whenever they find time. If they have energy to travel, they   attend family functions where they can touch base with relatives and friends.

At 80, God has blessed me with a support system where I have my two siblings, who are themselves senior citizens and my son`s family staying in the same independent housing complex. After my wife passed away nine years ago, I continue to lead an independent life in my portion of the house. However, I am keeping the option of moving to a Senior Citizen Home whenever I feel that I need constant help and attention and am beginning to be a burden on my children.

                                              Observations & tips

Having visited many such homes and seen the good times that many of the residents are having, I would say it is an option worth considering by people who have reached the end of their useful lives and who are financially independent; to spend their twilight years in peace and contentment

It is no more a stigma on the children if their parents voluntarily choose to stay in senior citizen homes which provide them the necessary independence, comfort and the company of new friends with similar backgrounds.

Once they have decided to move to a Senior Citizen Home (SCH) they should visit a few SCHs and try to stay in their guest houses for a few days to get a feel of the place. They also must talk to some residents to find out what they think of the facilities on offer and their satisfaction level before they make up their mind. 

Many new SCHs offer five star facilities which may not be used by everyone and such homes are very expensive. It is important to choose a facility which satisfies the basic needs and is available at a reasonable cost.

It might be a good idea to retain one’s own home for some time and sell it only when one is fully satisfied with the SCH. Most of the homes keep increasing their maintenance charges and meal charges from time to time because of escalating costs. Residents must be prepared to face this contingency. 

Food becomes a major issue in the SCHs. One has to be mentally prepared to adjust one’s tastes to the menu on offer. In Coimbatore, the most popular city for SCHs, most of them only offer vegetarian meals and that too the South Indian variety. Though North Indian dishes may be offered on some days, do not expect it to be of the same quality that one is used to. One’s choice of food and the city where one  wants to settle down can also be  determining factors in selecting the home.

It’s better to go for facilities offered by well-known groups. They have the resources and commitment to run the facilities efficiently because their reputation is at stake. Homes started by individuals or private parties are not reliable as they can fold up when they face problems landing the residents, who opted for such facilities selling their properties, in a lurch.

If you have children in living in other cities, go for a two-bedroom facility so that there is a place for them to stay whenever they visit you.

Senior Citizen Homes with attached hospices or with facilities for providing full time attenders are alternatives which can be considered by working couples who have old and infirm parents  who need constant help and attention. Some children try to have full-time attenders at their own homes to look after such parents but find themselves in trouble when such attenders take off without adequate notice.

If one wants to enjoy one’s stay in SCHs, it is important to be friendly with other residents. Remember that more than one’s own children, it is the friends who make one’s  life interesting in  old age. Besides if one is friendly with the able-bodied residents in the facility, they become one’s support group and caregivers in case of emergencies until the family members come and take over. I saw this in action in one of the facilities in Coimbatore during a short stay with a friend who was a resident, a couple of years ago.

I would to like conclude this article quoting the words of a resident of a SCH: “The two essential needs of every individual apart from roti, kapda and makhan are freedom and friendship. Both these crucial requirements for healthy and happy living are assured in the life of seniors in Senior Citizen Homes.”