The basic principles of sleep hygiene are simple to understand:
- Eliminate distractions,
- Optimise comfort and
- Strive for consistency.
But where does sleeping next to another human being – someone who may have their own disruptive sleep issues and inconsistencies – factor into that equation? And what do you do if what is best for your sleep hygiene is at odds with what is best for your relationship? It can be a tough nut to crack. There are many ways to optimise your relationship and your sleeping habits at once… and you start by looking at how both areas of your life are inextricably connected.
All of us would sleep better if we slept without a partner or animals or anything else in our bedroom. When we are in stage two sleep, which is still light sleep, we are processing relevant stimuli in the environment. So, if we have a partner who is snoring, who is tossing and turning, who is still reading or watching TV or whatever they are doing while we are trying to sleep, that impacts our ability to drop into deep sleep, which is that restorative sleep we all want – this is call the anti-aging sleep, the non-REM deep sleep.
From a sleep standpoint, we would all sleep better if we made a dark cold cave of our bedroom and slept alone without risk of being disrupted by our bed partner. Your quality of sleep is better if you are not sleeping next to another person. However, that has significant consequences for a relationship. While it can be good for the sleep, it is risky for the relationship – emotional intimacy or physical intimacy. There are some important measures to be put in place in order to mitigate some of the risk, if a couple decides to sleep separately.
If sleep disorders is an issue, they are fully treated. There are lots of devices and technology that can be used to optimise the comfort of both partners sleeping in the same bed. The connection between sleep and sexual health is apparent in some sleep disorders: For example, often, the very first symptom of untreated sleep apnea, a condition where there’s an obstruction in the airway and you are not getting sufficient oxygen throughout the night, is erectile dysfunction. That is just one physiological example of the connection between sleep and sex.
If you want to talk to your partner and you feel like it’s a charged conversation, take it out of the bedroom. Both partners need to commit to that fully. Whether that conflict is about sex, sexual disconnection, kids, or money – which are the top things that couples fight about – have those conversations anywhere other than the bedroom.
If your bedroom is a place of conflict, clutter, feeling disconnected, feeling vulnerable, sad – if it’s a catchall where you do everything: having a fight with your partner, working, sleeping, sorting laundry – then you do not have the association of that bedroom being a sanctuary. Your bedroom is your sanctuary… hence, in order to create this, you need to think about creating a room that appeals to your five senses. You do not have to spend a lot of money, but try to create something that is beautiful to you and your partner. Stability is incredibly important for sleep as well: Waking up at the same time every day and ideally keeping a stable sleep schedule goes a long way”.
To sum up: Dr Brandon Peters suggests, “It may feel discouraging to contemplate a sleep divorce. Instead, consider it a healthy change to enhance each partner’s sleep. Prioritise an evening routine that includes time to connect, and then retire to separate quarters without feeling guilty. If it does not work, it is always possible to return to a prior arrangement.”
