I am truly a succour when it comes to listening to people’s life stories, so about a year ago I read an article on Dolly Parton (one of my favourite singers of all time) and her secret to her 55 years of married life to her husband Carl Dean.
“Find you a partner who will support you like my Carl does!” says a 75-year-old Dolly Parton to her 4.5 million Instagram followers.
They met at 18 and 21 respectively and have spent 55 years of married life in togetherness. Read on to find out what makes relationships survive happily, how to rectify mistakes and when its time to let go.
The ‘Fifties’ do bring on a whole new meaning to life, children have usually flown the nest, big ticket expenses are under your belt, your body and health go through changes bringing changes to your relationships. You have more time on your hands to reflect on life and what you want the rest of your life to be, what frequency you would like to operate under and most of all what you will not compromise on. It’s called mid-life crisis and there’s no escaping it.
Here are some of the biggest mistakes couples over 50 make —
Pink flags are mistakes that can be fixed with joined effort.
Red flags are irrevocable differences that can head to a disastrous ending.
Pink Flag -1- Don’t become so absorbed in your children or grand children’s lives. They definitely can be all-consuming. This can be a strain on your own personal relationship.
Fix-it — set a balance by signing up for an exercise class or yoga class together, travel plans should include you and your couple friends for multiple short
get-a- ways or dates to the movies or theatre. Fit in something for each day of the week.
Pink Flag-2- Your ageing body coupled with health issues can set the blaze out of the bedroom, literally. Each time you look into the mirror at yourself, with the more wrinkles, lumps and bumps that appear, the less comfortable you are with exposing your body. Intimacy plays a big part in a relationship and often is the buffer and fixer of small bickering’s.
Fix-it— Fortunately, this is an issue with solutions and can be reignited with some heart to heart conversation or taken to a marriage or sex therapist. It’s important to remember that at this stage of life, you are aware of your body, your likes and dislikes and not shy to express yourself and your needs. That’s the trump card for greater connection and more intimacy.
Pink Flag-3- Getting too busy with doing things on your own or structured days with classes and meet ups can find you growing apart rather than closer. While it is fun doing things that you know you enjoy and it might not be as nice as a couple, do make together time and keep connecting several times in the day just checking on each other.
Fix-it— Set boundaries, I say, a happy mix is a good fix. Make your relationship a priority and nurture it.
Pink Flag-4- Communication! Communication! Communication! This is one of the most over-looked qualities of nurturing a relationship. Communicating honestly and openly is key and yet as a relationship grows old with you, couples do tend to become less open with each other. Especially when on partner stresses out and is more fragile in health, the other one holds back talking about their own issues. It’s something that comes naturally to humans.
Fix-it — When you know each other for an extensive period of time, you also know when it is the right time to address issues. Search for the right time, prioritize issues and know which battles to pick and which to let go off or handle on your own. Do not let lack of communication be the cause of your relationship getting distant or causing absenteeism. It will leave both partners feeling lonely and unwanted.
Red Flag-1- Not resolving conflict in a healthy way, it is known that couples past their 50’s have a harder time resolving conflict as they are less likely to compromise. There is definitely more time for arguments and bickering and holding onto one’s point of view can lead to a war of words. Lashing out is often followed by extensive cold wars. This often leads to a level of complacency, one becomes content to a point of not caring to resolve issues or improve them. This is definitely a red flag moment.
Fix-it — Dump the verbal boxing matches, agree to disagree, people change, their prospectives’ change, tolerance levels change. Pick your battles with utmost care, vent regularly with a trusted friend or involve a therapist from the get go. Things can fester and get toxic between both of you at the speed of sound as there will always, already be pent up baggage on other scores.
Red Flag-2- Staying in a relationship for the wrong reasons like financial security, scared to start over or be alone, society norms, children’s insecurities is a waste of a life. You have already reached the stage where the issues have been festering, multiplying and increased where they can no longer be ignored and you are forced to face them. You literally cannot bear the sight of each other or have a cordial conversation.
Fix-it — Talking openly and directly at couples’ therapy, with a professional intervening to reconstruct the relationship in a pleasant way, step by step is always worth a try. Experts say that dealing with problems right away can boost your relationship and wellbeing. Don’t give up without this one last try.
Red Flag-3- Retirement and finances can make any relationship volatile and insecure. Having a deep and honest talk about retirement, especially if there is a change of lifestyle is very important to ensure both are on the same page. Now that there is more spare time, looking into accounts minutely, and questioning spendings’ can make life a misery often driving your spouse away.
Fix-it — This is actually a time to let go of tight budgeting and give your spouse a generous spending budget. Establish a plan of action, lay down the budget, and incorporate a ‘no questions asked’ buffer amount for those ‘make me happy shopping days.’ This can happen by communicating- verbally or texting. The results will be a more fulfilling, happier relationship through the golden years.
NOTE TO SELF —The issues avoided maybe intimate, uncomfortable or overwhelming feelings, if these are not resolved to the satisfaction of both people, emotions begin simmering under the surface and normal conversations will now become arguments. Leaving unresolved problems, loss of respect and resentment.
NOTE TO SELF — Ask your self is this a pink flag issue? Are we escalating to the red flag? Can we seal a deal if both of us do find it an issue?
(Very often its just one partner who has the issue)
Make each other feel better by showing care even if you are not part of the issue.
As Dolly would say —
It’s all about acceptance and communication
It’s all about being your number one cheerleader
It’s all about listening without judgment
It’s all about putting up with your quirks
It’s all about letting you rant
It’s all about knowing how to make each other feel better.
