A “restless sleeper” is an informal term used to describe someone who frequently moves or wakes up while sleeping. While sleep is typically associated with peace and stillness, some people exhibit restlessness, which can be disruptive for themselves and their sleep partners.
Sharing a bed can be a source of comfort for many, but in certain relationships, disturbances during sleep may outweigh the psychological benefits. The initial bliss of sharing a bed often masks potential sleep-related issues that can strain a relationship over time. While minor disturbances like funny sounds may be overlooked early in a relationship, persistent issues like snoring or restlessness can lead to frustration.
The historical norm of couples sharing a bed may not always align with individual preferences. Despite personal sleep quirks, some couples find ways to navigate through these sleep challenges, however, for many, significant sleep disruptions can lead to resentment and nights of broken sleep.
When your partner is a restless sleeper —
The reality of sharing a bed with a restless sleeper is often an exhausting experience that results in sleep deprivation for everyone involved. If you find yourself sharing a bed with someone who tends to be restless while they sleep, it’s crucial to communicate with them about it. Waking up a restless sleeper is not harmful, as they likely aren’t achieving quality sleep anyway.
Often, restless sleepers may be unaware of their constant movements during the night, and it’s not uncommon for partners to notice sleep disorders before the individual who is actually experiencing them.
According to experts, sharing a bed with a restless partner doesn’t have to be an ordeal. Here are some suggestions —
Be compassionate and empathetic
If your sleep is disrupted, it’s likely your partner is experiencing the same. Whether it’s snoring or constant tossing and turning, their night may also be less than ideal. It’s essential to cultivate empathy for the reasons behind each other’s sleep disturbances. Engaging in open communication about each other’s concerns is key. The objective of communication should be twofold: acknowledging that both are facing sleep challenges and collaboratively finding a solution for the benefit of everyone involved. It’s a win-win situation.
Have a pre sleep routine
Sleep hygiene encompasses everything you do to prepare yourself for a restful night. Establishing a positive, collaborative sleep hygiene routine before bedtime can benefit everyone involved. To enhance your sleep quality:
- Minimise your exposure to blue light from screens at least two hours before bedtime, as blue light delays melatonin release which can affect your sleep.
- Make sure your bed is comfortable and your bedroom is dark and cool.
- Adopt a calming bedtime routine, like enjoying a bath or having herbal tea.
- Engage in light exercise, such as a leisurely walk, before bedtime.
- Incorporate regular exercise throughout the day, preferably outdoors, to promote overall sleep quality.
- Avoid stimulants like caffeine, alcohol or sugar close to bedtime.
- Maintain a consistent bedtime and wake-up time, even on weekends, to help your body adapt to a sleep schedule.
By adhering to these sleep hygiene practices, you will increase your likelihood of falling asleep quickly and enjoying deep sleep, potentially allowing you to sleep through your partner’s restlessness. Encourage your partner to embrace good sleep hygiene practices as well to see if it improves their sleep symptoms.
Look for the underlying issue that causes restlessness
The term “restless sleeper” is commonly used to describe individuals who experience intermittent sleep or frequent movement during the night. However, such restlessness may indicate an underlying sleep disorder. It’s advisable to encourage your partner to consult their primary care physician, who may suggest a sleep clinic or specialist for an overnight sleep study. This study can identify conditions like restless legs syndrome, sleep apnea, or chronic insomnia. Some people may hesitate to undergo a sleep study due to misconceptions about sleeping in a lab with numerous attached wires, but noninvasive home-based options are also available.
It is particularly crucial to suggest seeing a sleep specialist if your partner’s restlessness involves potentially harmful activities. Even for those with less severe restlessness, their seemingly normal sleep might not be as ordinary as it feels. Each twitch and movement during the night can disrupt their sleep, and discomfort experienced during activities like watching TV or sitting still on a long journey may be linked to sleep-related movements. Treating your restlessness can significantly improve sleep quality for both individuals.
Check your iron levels
People experiencing nighttime restlessness may have low iron levels. Consult with your doctor to determine if assessing your partners ferritin levels (a test measuring iron stores) is a suitable course of action.
Your bed and bedding matters
At times, restlessness can be a result of discomfort, where simple adjustments can yield significant benefits.
- One solution is connecting two twin mattresses with a connector, allowing you and your partner to customise the firmness, reducing tossing and turning caused by movements.
- Separate blankets can also be effective. This not only helps prevent uncovering due to kicking but also minimises the impact of tossing and turning on shared covers. Drape a large comforter over both of you if aesthetics are a concern.
- Type and size of your bed and mattress. A mattress that isolates movement, like memory foam, can make it easier to tolerate a restless partner. Sizing up the bed provides ample space, reducing interference during sleep.
- Pillows can be useful too. Use a body pillow to create space between you and your partner and encourage them to place a pillow between their legs to minimise movements.
- Weighted blankets have shown benefits for restless sleepers, offering counter-stimulation. If your partner enjoys the feeling of a lead apron during dental x-rays, a weighted blanket may be a suitable therapy.
Exploring these options can lead to a more comfortable sleep environment for both partners.
Simple fixes
Easy and effective solutions such as eye masks, earplugs, blackout curtains and white noise machines can effectively reduce sensory stimulation that may be disrupting your sleep. These aids can be particularly beneficial in situations where a partner’s snoring, the use of a CPAP machine or the turning on of lights at inconvenient hours are sources of disturbance.
Respect your partner’s sleep patterns
Lack of sleep can lead to increased anxiety and antisocial behaviour. Sleep patterns are partially innate, causing challenges for couples trying to synchronise their routines. The inclination of night owls to be restless may stem from not feeling tired, posing difficulties for morning larks sharing the same bed. The notion that couples must go to bed simultaneously is dispelled, as one partner may need to retire earlier for quality sleep before the night owl joins. A recommended guideline is to allow the earlier-to-bed partner 30 to 45 minutes of undisturbed sleep before the night owl joins, considering that most deep sleep occurs in the initial third of the night.
Take a look at your own sleeping habits
There might be occasions when you experience insomnia or sleep related problems, incorrectly attributing your sleeping habits to your bed partner. Experts suggest examining your own sleep habits and hygiene to determine if there are measures you can implement to achieve more restful sleep, even if your partner is awake. Consider factors such as whether alcohol or caffeine is disrupting your sleep and if stress is contributing to mental spiralling upon waking.
De-stigmatise the ‘sleep divorce’
You might be familiar with the concept of “sleep divorces,” where romantic partners choose to sleep separately. In its extreme form, this could involve sleeping in entirely different rooms, which can indeed resolve sleep conflicts. However, not everyone has the luxury or desire to sleep in separate spaces. Exploring small adjustments to enhance the situation while still sharing the same room can be a practical approach. Some couples find contentment and better rest by agreeing to sleep in separate beds, particularly when one person struggles with restlessness or snoring. For those practising a sleep-divorced arrangement, it’s crucial to allocate a few minutes for intimacy before bedtime, engaging in activities like reading together or cuddling. Each partner should have their own comfortable bed or bedroom for sleeping.
To conclude —
Sharing a bed with a partner, whether new or long-term, may require trial and error to discover the most successful approach. Openly communicating with your partner about the challenges that arise while you sleep is a pro-relationship behaviour. Whether it’s seeking advice from a sleep expert or collaborative efforts, such as limiting caffeine before bedtime, addressing these concerns is imperative especially because sleep is essential for everyone.
Ongoing open communication, expression of needs, and a willingness to give, take, and compromise are vital components. Once a happy medium is found there are numerous benefits of sharing a bed especially when you wake up feeling rested and rejuvenated!
