1. How can I cope with the loss of my spouse and find meaning in life again? I am 64, a widower. Is it alright to strike a relationship all over again?
Time is a great healer, they say… and it is. Losing one’s spouse is hugely traumatic; there is a gap, a space… no one can fill that… not even one’s own children or grandchildren. Most spouses, want their loved ones to live a fulfilled life, a joyful one. They want them to find meaning again.
To answer your question: take your time; you don’t need to rush into anything. Companionship is important, for all of us. If you find someone like minded, someone you are comfortable with, someone you can spend quality time with, someone who is not demanding… then do think of starting up a friendship. Be wise as to whom you are choosing to be with; you don’t want to land yourself in a mess – emotionally, financially or in any other way.
2. My children feel that in order to my own mental health I must find a life companion. But I don’t want to do as I really enjoy playing grandmother to their children. But I see value in what they say, but I just can’t get myself to marry again. I am 61.
Your children care about you; they want to see you happy; they feel that perhaps having a companion may fill the loneliness gap within. They mean well!
However, it is not necessary that you should remarry if you don’t feel the need to. Having a companion, someone you can talk to and share things with, are happy and comfortable with, someone who cares about you… then there’s nothing like it!
Keep an open mind. Spend time with your grandchildren and if you find this fulfilling, continue to spend quality time with them. Meet up with friends occasionally, lunches out are such fun, playing bridge or rummy, travelling, or anything that interest you is a great way to keep yourself energised and fulfilled.
Image courtesy: Banker’s life.com
3. I am married, my husband is medically invalid. Over the last few months, I seem to enjoy the company of a widower who lives in my complex. He is really caring and has a very good sense of humour. He is just like what my husband was when he was young and fit. Over the last few days, I have been feeling fairly guilty about my own feelings, and I really can’t confide in anyone about this. Please suggest what I should do.
Your husband comes first as long as he is alive. Taking care of his needs and making sure that he is comfortable is priority.
However, having a companion, a friend… is fine… so long as you know where to draw the line. Don’t mix the two… it just doesn’t work. Explain this to your newfound friend; if he really cares for you, he will understand where you are coming from. Love is patient, love is kind… remember the good times with your husband and don’t forsake him in his hour of need. You will never forgive yourself…!
4. How does one communicate effectively with my wife about our changing physical intimacy as we age?
Communication is the key to any healthy marriage. Speak to your wife; explain your needs, your desires. Understand her needs. For all you know, she may also have certain changing ideas on intimacy and may not have expressed herself clearly.
Reduced physical intimacy is understandable, particularly as you age… so speak… communicate and understand.
5. My wife and I have not had a sexual relationship for a few years. Is it alright to be watching porn? And should I tell her that I am watching porn or be secretive?
Watching porn is not a bad thing provided you know why you are doing this and whether there is any unsolved psychological or physical problem. Bring your wife in on this, if you are feeling guilty about it. Let her understand.
Libido, which means sex drive or the desire for sex, varies dramatically from one person to the next. It also varies depending on a person’s preferences and life circumstances. Libido can be affected by medical conditions, hormone levels, medications, lifestyle and relationship problems.
Sexual desire is typically higher in men than in women, with testosterone thought to account for this difference as well as within-sex variation in desire in both women and men. However, few studies have incorporated both hormonal and social or psychological factors in studies of sexual desire.
Though generally, women are sexually active during adolescence, they reach their peak orgasmic frequency in their 30s, and have a constant level of sexual capacity up to the age of 55 with little evidence that ageing affects it in later life.
So speak to her!!
6. I’ve recently retired, and my husband is still working. Every time he comes late, I feel very insecure, and feel very lonely. I have got myself a hobby, but I still need the companionship.
Talk to your husband about this. What was the pattern of behaviour between the two of you while both were working?? Did you make time for each other regardless of a busy work schedule? Did you find time for him even though you were working and may have been tired?
Stop being suspicious… this will eat you up. You are important… your mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, and psychological wellbeing. Don’t cave in because others have started behaving differently.
Find out what is keeping your husband late at work. Many people enjoy meeting friends after a hard day’s work… normal, provided it’s not being done too often. Many forget that they have responsibilities at home. It’s an escape route for them, a convenient way of shedding responsibility and moving on. Hence, communicate, find out what the issue is. See if you can participate by joining him after work. If there is the slightest hesitancy, if your sixth sense senses something untoward, don’t make an issue… let him know that you are always there for him.
In John Gray’s book, 1992, “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus”… was released and became a best seller. It was based on Gray’s premise that men and women have different emotional requirements and that a misunderstanding of the differences leads to the breakdown of relationships.
Is this where you want to head to??… I don’t think so. So talk!!!
7. My husband snores, and he says I snore. The result of this is we sleep in different rooms? A friend of mine says there is nothing abnormal about it. What is your view? Please advise.
Nearly everyone snores now and then, but for some people it can be a chronic problem. There is nothing abnormal about snoring!
Snoring is the hoarse or harsh sound that occurs when air flows past relaxed tissues in your throat, causing the tissues to vibrate as you breathe. Muscle weakness can happen due to aging, drinking alcohol, taking sleep aids, or certain medical conditions. Being overweight increases the likelihood of snoring.
What positions reduce snoring? Sleep on Your Side! People are more likely to snore when sleeping on their backs, also called the supine position. In contrast, people snore less when they sleep on their sides, also called a lateral position.
Other solutions: Raising your head with an extra pillow can help to reduce snoring. Smearing some Vicks VapoRub on your chest at night will help open your nasal passages too, easing your snoring. Use earplugs… gift your spouse with a good set of earplugs!
