We all resolve through our earthly times, especially at the end of the old year, only to see it dissolve a few days into the new year. For a change, though I am no dipsomaniac, I didn’t imbibe any inebriant on the last day of the old year and the first day of the new year, only to succumb to the tipple at a function a week later. I should have forbidden at that moment, but didn’t, only to be left ruing. The human foible of a fickle mind causes this dissolution, but a resolution, which we never stop making, is itself a good thing as it is an introspection and acceptance of some frailty or infirmity in us that needs fixing. Afterall, the mirror ensures that we keep reflecting. If we miss out on the now, it will be a cause of remorse forever.
I distinctively remember having a long conversation with a close friend in the last week of September 2021 and ending it with a suggestion of going over to his place in a far away suburb. He was not feeling up to it due to ill health, but instead said that he would come over to my place in a week or two. He was a class mate through my schooling days, from kindergarten to matriculation, and we had been in touch on and often. He was a brilliant chemical engineer and an author to boot and was doing very well professionally. We had a healthy regard and respect for each other and enjoyed our engaging conversations and resultant osmosis of learning. In hindsight, I and he both had lost out on the ‘now’ moment. My friend passed into eternity in the first week of October 2021 leaving behind in me a penitence hard to live down and a remorse harder to live with. Only cherished conversations and memories are left to savour, not the pleasurable moments of meeting in flesh and bones.
After my marriage, I had moved out of my parents’ home, where I had spent twenty-eight years of my life , due to various constraints. I was deeply attached to my parents; I am what I am indubitably because of them , and had made it a point to visit them, if not every day, every other day on the way to my office in downtown Mumbai, as well as have telephonic conversations with them every day. 24th April 2003 was another such day; I had had my usual early morning call with them, seated in my car, whilst on the way to my office. I remember my parents asking if I would be dropping by, but I was not in a position to do so because of some early morning meetings that I had. I had dropped in a day before to partake of the relishing breakfast my mother had cooked for me; nothing gave her greater pleasure than serving food to visitors including me on my frequent visits. My father had left home around noon that day to buy some groceries, as in the past. He was in his mid-seventies and was in good bodily and mental health. That evening I received a call from my younger sister, who had come visiting them, only to be told that my father had gone missing. Yes, my father never returned home ever after. My siblings and I and brothers-in-law and sister-in-law went on frantic search all over Mumbai, morgues, hospitals, some outstation locations where he had gone in the past, lodger police complaints, announced his missing on television channels, published missing notification in publications, getting in touch with all those whom he knew and whatever else we could think of. It bore no fruit; we never could find him and neither did he ever return. It is one of those mysteries of my life, not being able to figure out what could have happened or what could be the cause. Was it momentary loss of memory, was it some kind of abduction for ransom, was it some case of hypnosis for devious purposes? There were several posers, but no answers. Over time, it remained a lost cause. To this day, it is a painful reminder for our family; only the inherent human resilience and helplessness has seen us through over the past 22 years. My father’s disappearance has left an immeasurable void and immense sorrow in my life. Had I not missed out the moment of ‘now’ on that fateful day of 24th April 2003 and had dropped in to their home, I could have met my mother and father and probably got to know something or sensed something out of the conversations. But it was not to be. My mother was in constant yearning for her husband, only to have placatory reassurances from us, till her passing 5 years later. I still pine and yearn for my father and somewhere deep inside me there is a sense of guilt, for which no atonement is possible. A sense of ‘what if’ is pervasive in me even today.
More recently, the health of a good friend, under treatment for the dreaded C and reasonably stable for a couple of years, recently took a turn for the worse with an invasive spread, temporarily alleviated with a localised surgery. The family had been informed and sensitised about the inevitable terminal end around the corner. The window for friends and well-wishers to see him at the hospital, post the surgery, had opened up for a couple of days only to be closed again within a day since he had to be treated again to address the virulence and provide some palliative care. The hospital saw it fit and necessary to go in for an immediate discharge so that the final days could be spent in the comfort of the home and the cocoon of the family without the disturbance of visitors. Most, including me, could not catch the ‘now’ moment and visit him in the hospital on that particular day and have a brief conversation with him, something that the friend would have enjoyed and cherished in the end phase of life. Destiny’s will, one could say. The family has been extremely stoic, with the wife and son regularly providing some update, with only hope as the silver lining. God willing, one may yet get to see the friend and spend some time, but till then one can only reminisce about the various interactions and joyous moments of the past and private conversations on the cell phone and WhatsApp.
There are several other similar instances that one can write about – of relationships, lost love, missed education opportunities in India and abroad, not accepting an alternate job opportunity, missing out on overseas assignments when the option came up, missed real estate investments, lost opportunities in stock markets, indifference toward taking up pursuits of passion and several other examples. There could be multiple reasons for not striking when the moment presents itself to us – it could be self-doubt, confusion, inability to take risks, lack of prescience, procrastination, preoccupation with the unimportant, wrong priorities, indifference, lack of family support and so many myriad causes. Invariably, we end up regretting and ruing in retrospect by not acting at a given moment that destiny had presented to us.
The universe sends signals to all of us at an appropriate time and it is for us to recognise it and act at that moment. Never miss out on the Now.
